You find yourself on a pleasant fall Saturday in your cozy suburb outside Chicago. The air is crisp and there is a slight overcast. With fall in full swing, you decide to embark on the yearly raking of the leaves before 11 am kickoffs begin. After 30 minutes of raking leaves, soreness in your back develops from being out of shape and the awkward posture of raking. At that moment you notice your neighbor, Greg Townsend, has returned home and is pulling his Audi into the driveway. He grabs his Trader Joe’s reusable tote bag from the trunk and begins to approach you.
Greg: Hey there neighbor, doing some yard work?
What the hell does it look like I am doing.
You: Sure am, wanted to knock it out before the games begin this afternoon.
Greg: You know, I have a guy for that kind of stuff, you should have mentioned something, could have sent him your way. He cuts me a great deal.
Thanks Greg could really have used that now.
You: I will consider that for next time, hey, who does Michigan have today?
You clearly know who Michigan is playing that day as you follow this shit religiously and you have a couple of units on it. You just want to see the despair in his eye as he knows the loss is forthcoming.
Greg: Ah, cmon now I thought you were on top of these things, haha. They have Wisconsin this week at home. Speaking of which, have I ever told you about my buddy Dave that went to Wisconsin?
As a matter of fact you have not.
You: I do not believe so, no.
Greg: So Dave and I go way back and he is an absolute character man, like he tried so hard to get into Michigan and I even had my dad talk to the Business School Dean. Anyways, Dave ended up going to Wisconsin and had an absolute blast, he swears it is the best college town in America and that the tailgate scene is out of control. I think deep down he is scared to admit it might not be as good as Michigan’s cause when he came to a few of my Michigan tailgates he kept saying how sick it was. But ya, Dave man, absolute character.
What
You: Speaking of tailgates, you better get going if you’re going to make kickoff.
You know damn well he is not going to the game. You have been waiting for the moment Greg has to face reality that this Michigan team, Harbaugh, and his “sick” tailgates are no longer worth supporting after a dismal 2 and 4 start.
Greg: Ya man, so I was talking with my dad and some of my business school buddies and we decided the drive/private flight into Ann Arbor actually accumulates a lot of C02 in the atmosphere and is super detrimental to the environment. So, until Elon or Joe can build out a robust network of charging stations for the Tesla, we are actually not going to attend for environmental reasons.
This guy sucks
You: Uhhh
Greg: So ya, we will have a nice quiet afternoon at home, I got this new book on WWII and how it was actually financed and won by Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan. I will let you borrow it when I am finished.
You: Uhh sure I will take you up on that.
Greg: Well, I will leave you to it. Have fun raking and GO BLUE!
Greg heads in and you find yourself perplexed at the conversation that took place. Still with a sore back and many leaves to rake, you start it up again. 4 hours later you find yourself horizontal on the couch watching Michigan fold like one of their alumni when the Securities Exchange Commission breathes down their neck. You’re at ease as all is right with the world.