We’ve all been there before. It’s the click of the tongs, the open-toed shoes and that sweet smell of late summer charcoal briquettes. While there’s an inevitable debate about the depth of the menu…hot dogs and burgers versus the addition of chicken breasts and steak…there’s the also not-so-subtle internal (and sometimes external) debate of who gets the call-up.
You know, sorta like fall camp. Who makes the 105-man fall camp roster? Instead, this time instead of tallying up how many backup linemen and specialists you need, you’re factoring in who has the annoying wife and whose short temperament might cause the event to go sideways.
Lucky for you, the boys here at The Three Point Stance have done the hard work for you. We’ve ranked what college football coaches are best and worst to invite to your final summer cookout.
The Best
5. Jamey Chadwell - Coastal Carolina
Chadwell is an innovator and a well-run barbecue is bound to need some innovation. At some point, we might run out of paper plates and utensils, and I need someone who can get creative. Instead of big burgers, maybe we opt for sliders. As a change of pace, perhaps we pull out the fruit salad. He’s a necessary cog in a well-oiled cookout machine.
4. Lane Kiffin - Ole Miss
Look, I’m not going to act like he’s not going to hit on your wife and her friends. He definitely will. But Kiffin will have great stories and there’s something to be said about the guy who can carry the conversation while the pit boss is manning the grill. I like to imagine he’d toss his paper plate up in the air when he hears the steaks hit medium rare, too.
3. Timmy Chang - Hawaii
Vibes, man. I need someone I can trust with some sick tunes and good vibes, and Timmy provides. As our favorite mid-2000s late-night gunslinger, I have no doubt Timmy Chang will bring a fire playlist and keep everyone upbeat from sunup to sundown.
2. Steve Spurrier - Retired
Hey man, The Head Ball Coach has still got it, alright. He’s not going to be built for the heat, but once the sun goes down the one-liners and Michelob Ultras will start flowing. He’s gonna say something politically incorrect about someone’s alma mater and everyone will laugh and it will be entirely worth it having him there.
1. Bret Beliema - Illinois
He’s as big as a house, has impeccable taste in cuisine and undoubtedly knows his way around a grill. He’s the perfect barbecue running mate. Bielema will dominate the Bud Heavys and can quickly step in if you need a breather on the grill. Plus, if you have a pool, the cannonball will boom hard and fast. He’s a perfect cookout companion.
The Worst
5. Jim Harbaugh - Michigan
No one has ever, and I mean ever, asked for milk at a cookout. Triple digits be damned, he’s going to roll up in khakis and it’s going to be weird. Ultra-serious milk guzzler doesn’t play at the barbecue.
4. Dabo Swinney - Clemson
You better hope the grill doesn’t run out of propane, because Dabo will chalk it up to the Lord’s will. God didn’t want us to grill.
BYOG - Bring Your Own Giardiniera only plays in Chicago, so we have no need for Dabo at the cookout.
3. Jimbo Fisher - Texas A&M
Yes Jimbo, we get it. You’ve had a finer cut of steak. You’ve had softer, brioche buns. Let's not forget you also ate possum in West Virginia growing up. The fact of the matter is: Jimbo will constantly bring up money and either complain he’s chipping in too much or that he has more than enough to elevate the experience.
Hey Jimbo, around here NIL stands for next in line.
2. Eliah Drinkwitz - Missouri
I can’t think of a situation that would make Eliah Drinkwitz seem more out of place than a backyard barbecue. Unless something goes wrong with the propane tank or there’s an issue with the pool filter, the Alpha Nerd serves no purpose. We don’t need math and science to flip burgers and dogs.
Remember: Once a year, everyone forgets Missouri is even in the SEC. No one will mind if Drinkwitz doesn’t get invited.
1. James Franklin - Penn State
Nothing is more catastrophic at a cookout quite like poor clock management. I can’t think of a worse wingman than James Franklin. He’d call over patrons when burgers are half cooked or forget to pull off the scorched hot dogs. He’d leave the potato salad out to spoil and forget ice for the coolers.
No rah-rah speech can overcome poor clock management. I don’t want Franklin anywhere near my grill or cookout.
Enjoy your hotdogs and burgers now, friends. We’re about 35ish days out from football. Hoist your glasses and let’s get ready for the Huskers and Wildcats in Ireland.