Hey, y’all. Welcome to Stanceville, the bizarro Dr. Pepper Fansville alternative universe. Consider this recurring segment a satirical look at the college football world in all its glory.
[source: Dr. Pepper Fansville commercial - not my image]
“Those nachos came outta me like shit through a tin horn, man,” former Alabama head football coach Nick Saban exclaimed.
You see, Saban is tagging along with his buddy Jon Taffer, celebrity host of the wildly popular TV show Bar Rescue. For the uninitiated, Taffer goes around the country to save struggling bars and restaurants, often from themselves.
Vermin, rotting food and atrocious attitudes be damned, Taffer and his crew try their best to reverse bar owners fortunes and help set them up for sustainable future success.
Why is Saban eating questionable food alongside Taffer? Well, ESPN executives are in dire need of new, engaging college football programming and they’re putting Saban to work. The boys from Bristol love the Bar Rescue concept, so they’re sending the hall-of-fame coach out on the ride to film a documentary-style show where he’ll “fix” struggling college football programs.
Now that he’s had a front-and-center view of how Taffer works, he’s ready to work his magic on College Football Rescue. Consider this the pre-show prep that Saban needs to turn these programs around.
Episode 1: Tulsa
In the “Oil Capital of the World” football is falling behind.
Post-Steve Kragthorpe and Todd Graham (LOL) success has been few and far between for Tulsa. Some good. Some bad. But a lot of mediocrity. That’s what Saban is fighting against in the show’s premiere: mediocrity.
In the last five years, Golden Hurricane fans have seen a lot of the bad with win totals of four (twice), five, six and seven in no particular order. Just a lot of OK and not great. Four of those five years were under longtime head coach Phillip Montgomery. But there’s a new era upon the people of Tulsa, as former Indiana head coach Kevin Wilson took the reigns last year.
In Wilson’s first year, Tulsa limped to a 4-8 record and finished third to the bottom of the American Conference. Not exactly encouraging, huh? Better yet, Wilson had a controversial exit from his last head coaching gig, which means things point to him quite possibly being an asshat.
Character concerns aside, Saban would surely suggest that Tulsa build an identity. Any identity. Want to be a ground-and-pound team? Great! Do you want to toss it around? Go for it! Whatever it is, go all in and make it happen.
Fortunately for Tulsa, they have a blueprint to mimic in a school that’s just a little over four hours away to the north. Tulsa should try and be more like Kansas State. Tulsa is never going to rake in four-and-five-star recruits, so they need to make two and three-star players play better than they are. Go be a killer developmental program and start eating good off the guys that OU and OSU overlook.
Episode 2: Vanderbilt
Saban needs very little prep for Episode 2.
He knows all about the deficiencies that plague the Commodores. Aside from a few Jay Culter and James Franklin-led glory years, Vanderbilt has been the doormat of the conference.
Let’s start here: Is it even possible to fix Vanderbilt? And what does fixing mean?
Clark Lea sure is trying. He’s taking a bit of a long view to making Vanderbilt relevant. He hired a GM of Football and the ‘Dores are really leaning into the scouting and developmental part of program building. They’re taking a bit of a Moneyball approach in trying to find hidden gem players. Sounds great in theory, right?
That’s the problem. Just like the stadium's progress, the football program is still very much in the theoretical phase.
There’s no sugarcoating it, last year was a giant step back for the Clark Lea regime. After a promising 2022, in 2023 the Commodores were putrid, finishing deadlast in the conference with a 2-10 record. Vanderbilt eeked out two early wins and lost their final 10 games. Not good, Jim.
The other problem? They lost a ton of guys to the portal, including promising QB AJ Swann. Now, perhaps it’s not the worst thing in the world to lose a bunch of two-win guys. Maybe that’s OK. But it’s the starting from scratch (again) part that will be hard for Lea and company.
From the outside, it appears that Lea might have a long leash. But even at a place like Vanderbilt, he and his coaches will surely have to show a little more competency in 2024 if they hope to keep building this program.
Episode 3: Arizona State
In layman’s terms, former ASU coach Herm Edwards left this program up the creek without a paddle.
Both he and now current Las Vegas Raiders head coach Antonio Pierce handcuffed this program so badly that they desperately need saving from someone like Saban.
After an entire mess with NCAA sanctions, the Sun Devils are in search of better times. Can they expect to find that under Kenny Dillingham?
FWIW, I think Dillingham is probably an above-average coach, but even if that’s true, it doesn’t mean it will work. Hear me out.
Dillingham did some really smart things with Bo Nix when he was on the Oregon staff. And I think he’s desperately going to try and take that level-headed offensive approach and establish it in Tempe. But will he get enough leash to make that happen? Time will tell.
The funny thing about ASU is that they never seem to have a problem with acquiring talent. The unfunny part (if you’re an ASU fan)? Sometimes it feels like that talent only truly explodes once it leaves Tempe. (cough cough, Jayden Daniels)
I think the move to the Big 12 could be a good thing for Dillingham, if only because it adds to the randomness of the conference. While I suspect ASU will have another rough go in 2024, if they nail the recruiting, find some decent playmakers, it’s not a stretch to think they could move to the middle of the pack in the new-look Big 12.
If he can keep his job long enough to see some of these flowers bloom, that would be neat. Just not sure he’s going to get the time he needs.
Episode 4: UTEP
If you look up the word obscurity in the dictionary, the UTEP football program can’t be far behind.
The Miners have finished with six or better wins just five times in the last 24 years. And to be frank, there is just no track record whatsoever to make this program relevant or viable. So what’s the solution?
Can I interest you in running the triple option, UTEP?
It’s a bit of a running joke on college football podcasts that (insert struggling team) is so bad or devoid of talent that they should run the triple option in the name of just being different…but man, it totally applies to a place like UTEP.
In a place like Texas, there is no shortage of awesome talent. But unfortunately for the Miners, there just has never been a track record of top-tier talent beating the door down to come to El Paso. This triple-option move feels like something out of necessity rather than trying to be cute.
I weirdly think UTEP could benefit from just doing something funky and weird and just leaning into the whole ‘being a giant pain in the ass to prepare for and play against’ aspect of college football.
Episode 5: Kent State
What better way to wrap up Season 1 than with a little homecoming for Nick Saban?
If anyone knows the struggles of the Golden Flashes, it’s Nick Saban. With the MAC seemingly floating further and further away from the big college football stage, a program like Kent State could use all the help it can get.
Much like some of the aforementioned suggestions, I suspect that Saban (and other really smart coaches) would advocate for Kent State to do something off the beaten path. I think Kent State would be a great fit for a triple-option offense, much like UTEP.
But what if they took it a step further and ran the Harding University (D-II) flexbone offense? For the uninformed, Harding ran this diabolical offense en route to a title last year and it was simultaneously maddening and beautiful to watch. How cool would it be for a MAC team to try something like this?
Imagine a cold, early November night where an undermanned Kent State team is just flexboning the daylights out of a title-bound Toledo or Miami Ohio team? Or better yet, how funny would it be for them to just be a huge pain in the behind to an Ohio State in Week 1? I need it.