Hey, y’all. Welcome to Stanceville, the bizarro Dr. Pepper Fansville alternative universe. Consider this recurring segment a satirical look at the college football world in all its glory.
[source: Dr. Pepper Fansville commercial - not my image]
“Thank God that’s the last one,” Texas thinks to himself.
The packing stage of the moving process has only lasted a few months for Texas and fellow neighbor Oklahoma. But the *idea* of moving, well that’s been in the works for a while.
Today is the day.
Boxes are taped shut. The sold signs are in the yard. And the movers pulled up about an hour ago, methodically tackling the mountain of stuff the Longhorns and Sooners have accumulated over the 28 years in the Big 12.
As the movers finish up, Texas fires up the GPS and heads southeast to the new neighborhood. Oklahoma follows suit.
This new neighborhood looks and feels a lot different than the last one. It’s more expensive, for starters. Has an HOA that keeps things up to code. And has an eccentric cast of neighborhood dads that are entertaining if nothing else.
As the burnt orange F-150 and crimson Suburbans pull up to the gated community, they’re greeted with a smile from SEC Commissioner Greg Sankey. They don’t know it quite yet, but this man is the gear that keeps this place ticking.
After exchanging pleasantries, Sankey offers to drive them through the neighborhood and give them the lay of the land. They oblige.
“Get in boys,” Sankey says, pointing to his extended cab golf cart.
“And pay attention,” he exclaims. “I’m about to give you the scouting report on all your new neighbors. Listen up, and don’t cause any problems down the road. ”
SEC Dad Scouting Report
Alabama
Alabama dad is the President of the HOA, no doubt about it. He has a particular affinity for structure and order, which checks out, considering he maintains the most pristine lawn of the group. And yes, he does get annoyed if you don’t at least attempt to do the same.
Strange quality: He wears the same polo shirt and khakis outfit at all times. That means it’s hard to tell whether he’s working or relaxing. (He’s never relaxing.)
Arkansas
The only thing Arkansas dad and Alabama dad have in common is that they live in the same place.
Arkansas dad is as redneck as they come. He proudly drives a rusted-out old truck, and every time he opens the door, spitters and dip cans seem to fall out. Weird how that happens.
Arkansas dad is a nice man, but he has the brain of a person who just can’t be bothered to remember trash or recycling day.
Strange quality: He’s oddly obsessed with mashed potatoes, and he and his family always bring them to the annual neighborhood summer bash. Go Hogs!
Auburn
Auburn dad wants to be Alabama dad so damn bad. He’ll forever be trying to one-up him or will die trying.
His grand plan is to be the HOA successor to Alabama dad, which, just isn’t gonna happen. Keep dreaming though, buddy!
Strange quality: Every year on Halloween, his house is the only house that is mercilessly tee-pee’d. Happens like clockwork. No one can figure out why him, but they’re just glad it’s not them.
Florida
Florida dad is the relative geezer of the group. His kids have started their own lives and when he’s not in grandpa mode, he’s golfing.
He always wears a visor. Always. You can find him making the rounds in his golf cart, all year long.
Strange quality: Extremely bizarre thoughts on politics. Likely a closeted Robert F. Kennedy truther.
Georgia
Georgia dad is what Auburn dad thinks he is.
Georgia dad is the heir apparent to the HOA presidential seat. He possesses an almost Alabama-esque attention to detail too, as evidenced by his perfectly manicured, award-winning hedge bushes. He’s a big visor guy too, and when he’s not working or at home, is probably on a boat in some capacity.
Strange quality: Lowkey might be a Satanist of sorts, as he loves to proudly boast how much fun he has maliciously throwing his kids (or anyone else’s kids, for that matter) off the water ski board while humming around the lake in the summer.
Kentucky
Kentucky dad is your bog-standard quiet, keeps to himself man. He’s a big porch-sitter and often spends his nights chillin’ outside listening to bluegrass music.
Strange quality: Has an oddly high number of teeth that are either damaged or missing. Not sure what’s going on there.
LSU
LSU dad is a larger-than-life jovial man with a big family. When I say big family, I mean really big family. Every time you speak to him, there’s a new cousin or uncle that just comes out of nowhere.
He is the king of crawfish season and loves to show off his cooking skills. LSU dad throws the best parties, which is not a surprise to anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes speaking to the man.
Strange quality: Drinks a truly abhorrent amount. And the more he drinks, the more difficult it becomes to understand what he’s saying.
Ole Miss
Ole Miss dad’s defining quality, at least on the surface, is that he possesses a truly unnecessarily large wardrobe of Rhoback and Vineyard Vines. How many quarter zips does one guy need?
He’s a proud boy dad and will talk your ear off about his three boys, Bradley, Chadley and Radley. Oh, he was also in a frat in college. He’ll remind you about that too, not that you would’ve thought otherwise.
Strange quality: Definitely has a Delta Psi tattoo on his ass and likely had a debilitating cocaine addiction in his 20s.
Mississippi State
Mississippi State dad and Ole Miss dad hate each other, even though they’re just crabs in the same bucket.
Mississippi State dad’s outstanding quality is that he’s got quite the green thumb, and loves to share his harvest with other fellas in the neighborhood. He’s a regular at the town farmer’s market and has an elite dairy plug.
Strange quality: Has five or six very dumb dogs and does not do a great job of working the pooper scooper.
Missouri
Missouri dad and his family have lived in the neighborhood for about ten years now, and it still doesn’t feel like they fit in. There’s nothing outright awful about them, but he just feels out of place here.
Strange quality: Missouri dad and his wife are definitely swingers.
South Carolina
Every neighborhood has that one guy who won’t relent on a very stupid point of contention, and that is South Carolina dad.
South Carolina dad desperately wants a chicken coop, and everyone else wants him to shut the hell up about it. His chicken coop idea gets shot down every year. And every year he brings it up again.
Strange quality: Chicken coop obsession.
Tennessee
Tennessee dad painted his house a truly heinous shade of orange years ago, and although no one will say it to his face, they absolutely hate it. The stupid color doesn’t technically violate HOA rules, but it’s not far off.
Strange quality: Likes Dolly Parton way more than any normal, middle-aged man ever should.
Texas A&M
Texas A&M dad and Texas dad have a fierce rivalry dating back to high school, and let’s just say he’s not thrilled his rival is moving into his neighborhood. Texas stole Texas A&M’s homecoming date and he will never forget it. A&M dad exists only to piss off Texas dad and make his life hell for all of eternity.
Texas A&M dad is an oil money baby and certainly looks the part. He has a truly obscene amount of money, and yet never seems happy. His wife also very publicly flirts with all the other neighborhood dads, which is not great.
Something is probably wrong there, but shhhhh, don’t stare at that gaping hole in his heart for too long. He’s sensitive about it.
Strange quality: His entire personality screams fraud. Not in that he’s fake but that he committed fraud. But he didn’t because he’s definitely not smart enough to get away with it.
Vanderbilt
Vanderbilt dad is an exceptionally quiet, well-kept family man. If he was an ice cream flavor, he’d be vanilla bean. Not regular old vanilla, no, because he’s a slightly elevated version of something very basic.
He works in banking, is very cordial and just does not put up a stink about anything. Sometimes you forget he and his family even live in the neighborhood.
Strange quality: Does not have an ounce of fight in him. He is the neighborhood doormat.