Hello. Welcome to Stanceville–the bizarro Dr. Pepper Fansville alternative universe. Consider this segment a satirical look at the college football world in all its glory.
Breckenridge “Doobie” Thomas is no stranger to Colorado football. He’s a regular at Folsom Field. Has been ever since his stoner college days in Boulder.
Tonight, he’s partaking in his favorite nightly routine: A bowl of medical-grade Kush and shitposting the Buff Nation fan forum. He grabs his lighter, takes a big inhale and settles into his comfy leather chair.
He combs through the forum. Rifling past threads labeled CU Transfer Portal Entries, PAC 12 Media Days and Good to See CU bring the .
With the screenname BigBuff69, Thomas has a reputation to uphold. He’s had a lot of time to think and he’s ready to make a name for himself. With his dogs Pikes and Peak laying at his feet, he’s ready to embark on his manifesto.
The post reads as followed:
Title: Is Deion Sanders a Denver International Airport Conspiracy?
Body: Hey guys, BigBuff69 here. Hope all is well. Like many of you, I’m excited for this upcoming season. I’m more excited than I’ve been in a long time.
I don’t mean to ruffle too many feathers, but it’s time to talk about it. I genuinely think Coach Prime is another facet of the Denver International Airport conspiracy.
Think about it. College football is in a weird spot right now. Lots of conference realignment and if you’re not making moves, you’re getting left behind. We all know the airport was built by the New World Order and the Nazis. I mean that’s basically a fact at this point. The runways even look like swastikas. It’s plain as day.
I honestly believe the powers at be want to save college football in the West. The TV networks and commissioners know football out west needs saving. That’s why they sent us Coach Prime.
Why else would Coach Prime come here of all places? He’s here to be the Buffs savior and usher in the New World Order of College Football if you will.
Before Boulder, he paid his dues at an HBCU. Heck, he went to a city that hard time providing clean water to its people. There’s no way he joined Jackson State on his own accord.
And when he got here, he told our old players to “pack their bags.” What do you think that means? That’s code for this is a new world we’re living in.
I’m not saying we’re definitely going to win a national title or anything. We have a long way to go for that. But him and Shadeur are taking us places.
People are painting this move as a desperate move destined for failure, but I disagree. Just like when Kordell Stewart heaved that Hail Mary at Michigan back in ‘94. It was pre-ordained. It was meant to be, man.
I’m gonna log off now, but I want to hear everyone’s thoughts. I’m excited for the season and can’t wait until Coach Prime leads us back to the promised land.