Hello. Welcome to Stanceville - the bizarro Dr. Pepper Fansville alternative universe. Each week, we’ll provide you with the satirical sights, sounds and week that was of college football in Stanceville.
Week 1 - Play the Card You’re Dealt
Scene: A smoke-filled backroom poker game on the outskirts of Austin. The only thing bigger than the whiskey pours are the egos of those involved. After 3+ hours, this game of Texas Hold ‘Em stands with only two players remaining: University of Texas Minister of Culture Matthew McConaughey and True Detective Season 1 loose cannon cop Rustin Cohle (also played by Matthew McConaughey.)
MM (motions to the bartender): “Whatdya say barkeep, I’ll take another Jim on the rocks. I’m seeing nothing but Green Lights tonight.”
Dealer: “Alright, boys. It’s nut cuttin’ time. This has been fun but it’s gettin’ late. Let’s get to it.”
RC: “People incapable of guilt, usually do have a good time.”
MM: “Shit, man. I’ve been a lot of places and seen a lotta things. You’re a different cat.”
*Takes a long drag of a Marlboro Red*
RC: “How do ya figure, Big Tex?”
MM: “We’re playing for big money here. Good booze. Plenty of beautiful women around. And yet, you’re sitting here blabberin’ about morality.”
“I think your sorry ass is just bitter about the game today…”
RC: “Y’all win once and think you’re somethin’. Typical. All hat no cattle.”
Dealer: “Alright, boys. Let’s stick to the game here.”
*Deals each player a pair of facedown cards*
MM: “Green Lights, baby. All in. Clocks tickin’. Whatdya say, Rust?”
*Takes a long drag from a Marlboro Red and big gulp from his Lone Star tallboy*
RC: “Someone Once Told Me Time Is A Flat Circle. Everything We’ve Ever Done Or Will Do, We’re Gonna Do Over And Over And Over Again."
“But you already know that. Tyrone Swoopes in ‘16. Sugar Bowl in ‘19….Texas is Baaaaaack. Shit. There ain’t no back. Y’all are gonna fall right back down the spiritual ladder, maaaan.”
MM: “You’re off your ass. Like a brand new Lincoln, Sark’s a smooth ride. We’re headed east. S-E-C. Maybe you’ve heard of it.”
“Whatdya got, big boy?”
*McConaughey flips over his cards. A pair of deuces.*
RC: “Suit yourself.”
*RC flips his cards over. A pair of Kings.”
Dealer: “Alright, boys. Here we go.”
*With the first three river cards already showing, he reveals the fourth. A Queen of Hearts.”
RC: “Awful quiet over there, Mr. Culture.”
“You should be used to this. Artificially inflated. All bullshit, no bull. Texas been like that for years.”
MM: “Fuck off, Cohle. Ain’t over yet.”
RC: “It’s never over, maaaaan. There ain’t no end. No higher power.”
“If The Common Good Has Got To Make Up Fairy Tales, Then It’s Not Good For Anybody."
MM: “You saw the game today. Hudson Card’s the reaaal deal. Sark’s no bullshit. Sure enough beat y’alls ass.”
Dealer: “Here we go.”
*Dealer flips the final card: a 2 of spades.*
MM: “HOT DAMN! Good shit, man. We’re baaaaaack baby!”
RC: “The World Needs Bad Men. We Keep Other Bad Men From The Door.”
MM: “Shut up. Gimme my money.”
RC: “Flat circle. Don’t forget what I said, chief.”
MM: “Hey dumbfuck, want some advice? My daddy taught me a long time ago…you’ve gotta play the card you’re dealt.”
“Horns are playin’ Hudson Card. We’re baaaaaaaaaaack. OK, cool hook’em.”