Pac-12 Football's Apple TV Pairings

As I type this, the Pac-12 is melting like a stick of chapstick left in your car’s cupholder on a hot August afternoon. The conference’s demise started with their heart and soul (USC and UCLA) fleeing for greener pastures in the Big 10. Then, the newcomer (Colorado) bolted from their new marriage to rekindle their old marriage with the Big 12. Now, the SEC, Big 10 and Big 12 are circling the carcasses of Washington, Oregon, Arizona and Arizona State looking to pick further meat off the Pac-12 bones.

And in the midst of it all, the conference and their gambling man commissioner, George Kliavkoff, are struggling to negotiate a TV deal for the 2024 season. When I say struggling, I really mean struggling. It feels like they’ve shopped the league to all the big fish in the pond and no one is biting, at least to the extent they’d hoped for.

As of Tuesday, news broke that Kliavkoff presented a primarily subscription-based Apple streaming deal. Predictably, we then heard rumblings about conference commissioners expressing concerns about the ambiguity of potential value of the Pac-12 deal because of the unknown variance of subscriptions. A.K.A. these boomer commissioners don’t want to risk the livelihood of their schools on the prospect of a newfangled streaming service. Who could blame them?

With the state of college football in the American West becoming hazier by the day, let’s have some fun while we can. And whatever happens, we’ll always have the memories and fun of #Pac12AfterDark. That said, let’s look at what 2023 Pac-12 football teams best match with current Apple TV content.

Silo is about a post-apocalyptic universe where people live in a giant silo buried deep in the ground. It’s a story about betrayal, murder and a new world after a big shake-up.

Sounds a lot like Tucscon if you ask me. Arizona–largely because of its impressive basketball pedigree–appears to be the next bird to fly the Pac-12 nest in favor of the Big 12. They’re looking to be on the cutting edge of this new college football world order, and don’t seem to care if it crushes their rivals in Tempe in the process.

Plus, it’s hotter than hell in Arizona right now and one way to keep cool might be to literally build a silo, climb inside and bury yourself underground.

Invasion is a show about an alien invasion of Earth that threatens human existence, told through the eyes of ordinary people watching the world unravel around them. Hello, Arizona State.

Arizona State will probably want to follow their state mates to the Big 12 if at all possible, but they also strike me as being really disoriented right now. They don’t have the basketball pedigree as Arizona, nor do they have the football prowess of USC, UCLA, Oregon or Washington. They’re just kind of hanging out right now. Watching their world being taken over by aliens. Much like the fate of the people in the show, it’s tough to tell what the fate of the Sun Devils will be once the takeover ends.

Cal’s insane academic standards (and difficulties recruiting) coupled with their dreadful offense the past few years would make even the most diehard Golden Bear fans want to surgically engineer their brain to disassociate from their existence for large swaths of time every day. That’s why they’re a perfect match for Severance.

In this show, office workers have their minds divided between work and their personal lives, leading to a weird battle between their conscious and unconscious selves. And much like the stars of the show, it’s hard to tell whether they’re happy with the way they are or whether they’re left longing for more.

Cal is a weird program, and I have no doubt their players/coaches want to win, but it doesn’t seem like the higher-ups care enough. They still might get an academic invite to the Big 10, but just like in the Pac-12 they’ll likely bring up the rear of the conference. Overall, it just feels like Cal athletics are left fluttering between conscious and unconscious and I’d imagine it’s a really difficult existence.

Hijack is a show about a highjacked international flight, where an accomplished corporate negotiator (Idris Elba) has to implement risky techniques in hopes to save everyone.

Unlike the show, I credit Colorado for seeing the hijackers (conference realignment and the Pac-12’s demise) before everyone else and keeping the plane off the ground. While they are certainly to blame for the demise of the conference, at the end of the day you have to look out for yourself and that’s exactly what they did.

I think they’re well-suited for a return to the Big 12 and should fit nicely in that good-but-not-great league.

Swagger is the basketball version of Friday Night Lights, where a basketball prodigy has to navigate the pressures of overcoming the odds. Oregon fits the bill here. When you look at their football history, they’ve sort of come out of nowhere and established themselves as a huge brand with tons of…you guessed it…swagger.

Dope uniforms? Check.

Funny mascot? Check.

A badass quarterback in Bo Nix who loves to sling the pill? Check.

A coach in Dan Lanning who shit-talks Colorado as they head out the door? Check.

Oregon oozes swagger.

Foundation is the story of a band of exiles on their journey to rebuild humanity and rebuild civilization after the fall of the Galactic Empire. You can’t really say exiles in the Pac-12 and not think about our beloved Beavers.

I can’t lie, I’ve always had a soft spot for the Beavs. It’s something about the uniforms and the rain and their ability to every few years beat Oregon’s ass in a really important game. Last year, Jonathan Smith had Oregon State cuttin’ fools up and now with DJ Uiagalelei at QB, I expect this year to be no different.

In the long term, however, I’m really worried about Oregon State’s place in the college football world. I fear they might be destined for a fate in the Mountain West.

Prehistoric Planet travels back in time 66 million years ago when dinosaurs and other creatures roamed the lands, seas and skies. Why is Stanford most like the prehistoric age? Have you seen their offense the last few seasons?

For the record, I think David Shaw is a great head coach and was sort of coaching with one hand behind his back thanks to the rigorous academic standards in Palo Alto. That said, man, the last few years have been really rough. They just stopped being tough, running the ball well and developing really good QBs.

Fortunately for Cardinal fans, Troy Taylor will bring something a little different to their program. They’ll probably have to tear it down to the studs, but perhaps he can help recapture a little of that magic they once had…especially if they get plucked over to the Big 10 conference.

UCLA, much like the MLS Season Pass, seems like a really exceptional idea. In theory, it’s going to work well. Everyone will watch. You’ll see great levels of success.

But in actuality, it’s a little clunky and a little worse than you thought. That’s kind of how I feel about UCLA football.

I’m sure there was a section of the fanbase that really thought Chip Kelly would dominate (like Oregon levels of domination) and they just haven’t quite gotten there yet. Last year, they were really fun, but after losing their stud quarterback it’s tough to tell how they’ll fare in their final year of the Pac-12.

The Morning Show is a drama that examines the modern workplace through the lens of the people that run a morning show. Jennifer Aniston. Reese Witherspoon. Steve Carrell. This show brings out serious star power and is a perfect fit for the glitz and glamour of USC.

Lincoln Riley and Caleb Williams are made for TV pairing and we saw that on full display last season. They look great under the bright lights and are tailor-made for Hollywood. But for Riley-lead teams, the questions always arise on the defensive side of the ball.

Can Alex Grinch help the Trojans build a competent defense? Can they start doing tackling drills? Can they not lose to Tulane? Tune in tomorrow morning to find out.

Not a whole lot even needs to be said here. It says it in the show title. Utah is here to beat ass and take names. They’re not here to be your friend. The Utes are here to drag you into the mud, gouge your eyes out and kick you where it hurts.

I love watching Utah play because they embody their coach, Kyle Whittingham. Whittingham is 63 years old but looks closer to 45. He’s jacked and he looks like he could still kick ass in a fight.

When you think of the word physical, Utah football should be right behind it in the dictionary.

Washington has this lovable quality about them. Maybe it’s the Husky mascot. Maybe it’s that they’re sort of tucked away in the corner of the PNW. Whatever it is, that lovable derpy feeling is the same feeling I got when I watched Ted Lasso.

The other great part about the Huskies is that they’re fun. Legit fun. Michael Pennix Jr. is awesome and Kalen DeBoer has ensured that they’ll play an incredibly exciting and light-hearted brand of football. It’s a breath of fresh air compared to whatever they were doing under Jimmy Lake.

Wazzu is here for a good time, not for a long time. The fans in Pullman are gonna drink, get rowdy and cheer on the Cougs no matter the weather.

When it comes to Wazzu football, I’m just happy with whatever I get. They’ve had a real mixed-bag existence, so whenever they’re fun, I try to enjoy it. And when they’re not good, well I try and enjoy that too.